8/29/2023 Entry
Summary: frustration
song: DrugScore - siinamota

My impatience is really biting me lately..unfortunately, ever since my birthday came and went I've become more dysphoric and anxious :( I've been taking steps towards getting on T but it's been kind of difficult; where I live there's only one clinic nearby that offers it and it isn't accepting new patients, hasn't been for a while. so unless I want to bother my family with driving me over an hour away (and they really don't seem up for the idea) I have to wait for a long time. It's not that bad overall, if I really look at it, but it's a frustrating feeling having to just sit around right now. and it's embarrassing because I'm the kind of person that cries when I'm frustrated TT_TT I'll think a little too hard about it and end up upset blahhhh.

Besides all that slop things have been ok. My college classes feel like a whole lot of nothing, lol. My birthday was nice.. just like last year I went to the city and hung out with my twin brother and our friends :) it was nice. It'll be a while before I can see them again, I am wishing them the best of luck this semester!!

8/17/2023 Entry
Summary: video games, school, my birthday, dysphoria
song: Kitai Avenue - inabakumori

Hello!! I'm pretty much redoing my whole journal here I think, it felt too disorganized before. but I suppose that'd be a good representation of my brain. I've been playing minecraft a lot with friends lately, that's been fun! we have a server with mods that add more mobs and biomes and things like that. I tamed a raccoon, his name is carpet and I feed him tomatoes :) we went on this huge adventure to a foundry last night and it went NIGHTMARISHLY everybody died a Lot but we got a lot of cool loot in the end!! I'll admit, usually when my friends play minecraft I get bored quickly.. I don't do well with most sandbox games, I have a hard time focusing on any one thing I want to do, I end up just jumping around and dying a lot lolll. so I'm glad I've been having a lot of fun this time!! I imagine it'll slow down a little soon though, since school's starting up. all my friends have already moved back into university =_= I'm at home though, since all my classes are online. also my classes start on my birthday which is a huge bummer LOL oh well

In recent years, I've started to become very anxious around my birthday. and gender dysphoria likes to come around and kick my ass as per usual. I think it's because for a long time I had been so hopeful that I'd be able to start T before entering college, and not succeeding in that resulted in me dropping out of uni after a semester :/ like my brain at the moment is too aware of it all. in a 'ah you're a whole year older now and you still look the same......' way. I'm trying not to let it get to me too much, but it is upsetting a lot of the time. dysphoria sucksssss

also I had terrible art block for a while and I'm finally breaking out of it RBHJSBJA I think I was pressuring myself to sort of 'remember my art style' or whatever because I had gone a while without drawing (was in the philippines for 2 weeks and then sick out of my MIND for another 2) but you know.....sometimes it is important to sit back and draw whatever u like however u like....set your brain free...idk

this is my journal! my personal sillay thoughts and rambles go here...

watching: bungo stray dogs season 5 / clannad
listening to: lost delusion - frog96
reading: bungo stray dogs BEAST
playing: minecraft!
NOTE: this is a page for my thoughts and my feelings, so it will contain things like occasional venting and rumination