11/22/2023 Entry
Summary: idk it's november
song: Letter to the Black World - Frog96

Hello! It's november :) I've been playing lethal company with my friends a lot these past few days. it's a very well made game!!! a good balance between really funny and fucking horrifying lol I really like it. my favorite enemy is the Bracken, I won't say too much but they are so scary..their other name is the Flower Man which I find kind of endearing. I think it's neat when things in horror media have very sweet sounding names like that.

and then in the evening I went out with a few of those friends!! got dinner, except I didn't because I already ate, and then we just kind of sat around talking for a couple hours, it was really nice :) I love my friends a lot I am endlessly grateful for their presences in my life!!! I really hope they know this!!! I feel like I'm bad at communicating it, or how much I care about a lot of things in general I guess. I care a lot!!! fuck!!! everything is so important to me all the time!!! I LOVE MY FRIENDS AAAHHHHHH!! we're going to be living together next year and I'm really excited. I feel very hopeful for the future, which is kind of a new feeling for me but I mean I welcome it AAHHH good things can be so real and true...

we got on the topic of romantic relationships at one point, and I didn't really say a lot but I guess that's because to me it's a lot of question marks?? I have to already be really close friends with someone to want to date them, and I don't exactly like going out of my way to meet new people. especially while I'm still pre transition UGHHH but in any case idk I'm stupid insecure about my own feelings a lot of the time so even if I think I like someone I never say anything I just keep it to myself forever. picture me shrugging LOL. but it'd be nice to have that. I do get a feeling of longing in my chest sometimes

but anyway it's 3AM and I have a lot of work to finish this week, and plans I have to work around but whatever I will succeed

10/25/2023 Entry
Summary: BORED...AH
song: Flamingo Legs - Lemon Demon

I've been so UNDERSTIMULATED RECENTLYYY AAHHHH it's not that big of a deal but oh my god if I knew how to do a cartwheel I would be going outside doing 15 of them like every day if I could. like I need to gnaw on a plank of wood or something LOL. I think I ended up really burnt out previously, with schoolwork and life stuff, and I ended up really tired for a while. but now I'm scrambling for anything that could grab my attention for more than 10 minutes it's really. ebklsjbshkahkja completely aimless. it's not like it hasn't happened before but I never know wat to do about it. actually, a lot of the time I end up turning to childhood stuff. watching kids shows I remember because that's what my brain can handle everything else becomes like a slop to me >_< but then I'll put a twitch vod in the background too because one thing on it's own isn't enough I guess lmao. it's just like. mybrain needs something simple that isn't boring.. but few things are meeting those requirements right now AAAHHHH. oh and I used to have a page here for childhood stuff too, maybe I should remake it.

anyways my math professor fucked up and everybody missed a test and I've been trying my best to study for when I actually get to do it so I don't fuck up my currently mediocre grade in that class and doing the rest of my homework alongside it...GUH.. my other classwork is pretty simple though. except I have an essay for art history to get started on soon...I'm researching ceramics :) also I'm seeing the fnaf movie with friends soon?? I don't think it will be good AHA I've never been a big fan of fnaf either so I doubt I'll understand very much if it includes lore. idk. also I've been wanting to replay ib! I have a shrine in the works for it too, I love that game :D

10/9/2023 Entry
Summary: brain hole...idk
song: Adipocere - iyowa

It's octoberrr woah....I think soon I should rewatch or check out some new horror stuff. I won't be doing anything for halloween I think, I haven't properly celebrated in a while.

I've noticed my memory of this year is very poor, along with my memories of pretty much anything else to be honest lolll. It's not something I've thought about too much before, my memory has always kind of sucked, but idk it's kind of bothering me at the moment. I feel very out of place....I'm visiting my brother again in a few days :) I'm looking forward to seeing him and maybe some friends again!! maybe hanging out with them in the city will help me feel less ummm adrift

in other news!! bsd season 5 ended last month?? I won't say shit but that ending was so puzzling this series doesn't let anybody know peace anymore does it LMAO. I bought the light novels Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen and 55 Minutes recently, and a couple more manga volumes. but I don't have anymore space on my bookshelf for them!!! so they're sitting in the boxes they arrived in on my table u_u I should find a better place for them. I don't have space for a bigger shelf

8/29/2023 Entry
Summary: frustration
song: DrugScore - siinamota

My impatience is really biting me lately..unfortunately, ever since my birthday came and went I've become more dysphoric and anxious :( I've been taking steps towards getting on T but it's been kind of difficult; where I live there's only one clinic nearby that offers it and it isn't accepting new patients, hasn't been for a while. so unless I want to bother my family with driving me over an hour away (and they really don't seem up for the idea) I have to wait for a long time. It's not that bad overall, if I really look at it, but it's a frustrating feeling having to just sit around right now. and it's embarrassing because I'm the kind of person that cries when I'm frustrated TT_TT I'll think a little too hard about it and end up upset blahhhh.

Besides all that slop things have been ok. My college classes feel like a whole lot of nothing, lol. My birthday was nice.. just like last year I went to the city and hung out with my twin brother and our friends :) it was nice. It'll be a while before I can see them again, I am wishing them the best of luck this semester!!

8/17/2023 Entry
Summary: video games, school, my birthday, dysphoria
song: Kitai Avenue - inabakumori

Hello!! I'm pretty much redoing my whole journal here I think, it felt too disorganized before. but I suppose that'd be a good representation of my brain. I've been playing minecraft a lot with friends lately, that's been fun! we have a server with mods that add more mobs and biomes and things like that. I tamed a raccoon, his name is carpet and I feed him tomatoes :) we went on this huge adventure to a foundry last night and it went NIGHTMARISHLY everybody died a Lot but we got a lot of cool loot in the end!! I'll admit, usually when my friends play minecraft I get bored quickly.. I don't do well with most sandbox games, I have a hard time focusing on any one thing I want to do, I end up just jumping around and dying a lot lolll. so I'm glad I've been having a lot of fun this time!! I imagine it'll slow down a little soon though, since school's starting up. all my friends have already moved back into university =_= I'm at home though, since all my classes are online. also my classes start on my birthday which is a huge bummer LOL oh well

In recent years, I've started to become very anxious around my birthday. and gender dysphoria likes to come around and kick my ass as per usual. I think it's because for a long time I had been so hopeful that I'd be able to start T before entering college, and not succeeding in that resulted in me dropping out of uni after a semester :/ like my brain at the moment is too aware of it all. in a 'ah you're a whole year older now and you still look the same......' way. I'm trying not to let it get to me too much, but it is upsetting a lot of the time. dysphoria sucksssss

also I had terrible art block for a while and I'm finally breaking out of it RBHJSBJA I think I was pressuring myself to sort of 'remember my art style' or whatever because I had gone a while without drawing (was in the philippines for 2 weeks and then sick out of my MIND for another 2) but you know.....sometimes it is important to sit back and draw whatever u like however u like....set your brain free...idk

this is my journal! my personal sillay thoughts and rambles go here...

watching: astro boy (2003)
listening to: waves - laura les
reading: one piece
playing: lethal company
NOTE: this is a page for my thoughts and my feelings, so it will contain things like occasional venting and rumination